Tag Archives: divorce

So you’re a young married couple…NOW, WHAT?!?

We got married in a fever—I love saying/singing that:)

I was 19, turning 20 a few weeks later, and my husband was 22.

Several things happen when you marry young (and by young, I mean before the age of 25, which seems to be the “cut-off” for consideration when it comes to “young married”):

#1. Most people have NOTHING positive to say.

– “they’ll never make it” (prove them wrong).

– “wonder when the baby’s due?” (which may be the case, but is that any of their business? NO).

– “what were they thinking?”

– “you’re gonna have a hard row to hoe”–this one’s actually true, though, but not just because you’re young and married (although all the negativity makes it worse), but because all newlyweds will go through some sort of acclamation to the whole married vs dating relationship.

#2. You’re gonna have it rough for a few years or intermittently, in many aspects: financially, spiritually, and emotionally.

– Finances are the NUMBER ONE reason for divorce in our Country and being young married only increases the risk of divorce. SO, unless you’re a silver spoon child, you’re gonna struggle as a young married couple, but even if you’re blessed enough to have parents that will bless you financially, you still need to learn how to stand on your own four, married-couple feet. Ideally, we would all have been raised to be financially responsible, but that’s not often the case and when you’re young, your priorities are different, thus merging in these bills and new married lifestyle, things can get complicated and tension can (and will at some point) occur.

Find a book (my favorite is Larry Burkett–Dave Ramsay also has great financial workbooks and budget plans).

Find a mentor to teach you how to plan for the future.

Don’t spend what you don’t have. Become debt free and stay that way.

Spiritually, you are merging two fleshly people into one. AND FYI, it’s more than sex. You have to place someone’s needs above your own and trust me when I say–that is NOT an easy feat at any age–but, typically, the younger you are, the more self-centered you are, so this combo isn’t exactly idealistic for a healthy start. I spoke with my pastor’s wife one day regarding this very thing. I had only been married about 3 years at the time and we were fighting a lot and I was near my wits end with the whole “marriage” thing. She looked at me and very bluntly said “well, you’re just gonna have to die”. What?!? Excuse me?!? Yes, that’s what she said. By that, of course she meant “die to my selfishness”–which was exactly the problem. I was offended at first, I’m not gonna lie, because who wants to be told that they are IN FACT the problem? Then, I got over it, because the truth hurts and she was right.

Emotionally, you’re gonna be in a place you’ve never been before. Why? Well, because all of the above. Don’t sull up and not share your emotions. Talk and talk some more. You can get through it. My TWO pieces of advice to the young married couple: Find someone besides momma to talk to and DO NOT EVER talk bad about your spouse–to anyone!

#3. There’s little tolerance and almost NO respect for your marriage from outside sources. You have to gain a few years of sustainability before that occurs…because (let’s be honest) people are judgmental. The odds are stacked against you, according to most folks, so they’ll pay you no mind until you get some years under your belt–which is really asinine if you think about it—when not that long ago, people married in their YOUNG teenage years, but that was before it was okay to have premarital sex and                co-habitating was nonexistent. Do yourself a favor and surround yourself with people that will speak positively about your marriage. Surround yourself with people that believe in you and still believe in the covenant of marriage.

There’s more, but I’m sure you get the point.

Here’s the truth about being married young:

You’re gonna have hard times: all marriages do.

You’re probably gonna change, with age and experiences, you’ll mature. Change together.

People are going to say some stupid things to you—most of them will likely be those you are close to, e.g. your family. Make up your mind to not accept what they say, if it’s negative. Surround yourself with supportive people.

You’re going to go to bed angry sometimes. Apologize. Let it go. Die to yourself. Older couples aren’t exempt from this either.

You’ll be tempted and not just in a “sexual” way, but that too. You’ll be tempted to give up. You’ll be tempted to become another statistic. You’ll be tempted to flirt. AGAIN, no marriage is exempt from the same things. Flee from temptation: turn and run.

Positives:

You’re young, so passion is going to come way easier for you—and not just sexually:) Embrace how passionate you become when it comes to your marriage. Fight passionately and love passionately. And keep that passion alive!

You’re young, so when you make it, and you will if you BOTH put your heart and soul into it, your love story is going to be Oscar worthy!

*And for those that are reading this that are feeling down because they married young and didn’t make it: take heart! I bet you have more advice than I on what not to do/what to do. I bet that that experience taught you a lifetimes worth of lessons that you will be able to share with others. I bet that God is going to bless you with the marriage you so desire. And I bet that no weapon formed against you shall prosper.

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The problem is you…

This is gonna hurt.

You are no longer in love with your spouse:

your spouse that you entered into a covenant with…

your spouse that you have children with…

your spouse that doesn’t act like you are dating anymore (because, FYI, you’re not dating, you’re married–where real life happens)…

your spouse, that when compared to others, just doesn’t add up…

(awwww, that is so sweet! I wish my husband/wife would do that…

why can’t my spouse act like that?

Look how good HE is with his kids, why can’t mine be like that?

Look how well she takes care of herself, why can’t my wife look like that?)

your spouse with the communication problems…

your spouse with the porn addiction…

your overweight spouse…

your spouse that can’t meet your need for constant attention, no matter how hard they try…

your spouse that other people would love to have…

your successful spouse…

your unemployed spouse…

your spouse that is still in their pajamas when you come home from work…

your lazy spouse…

your spouse with a personality that you no longer like…

your addicted spouse…

your bald spouse…

your spouse that takes care of you when you are sick…

your spouse that loves you even though you aren’t perfect either…

your spouse that loves the Lord with all of their heart…

your spouse that patiently waits for you to return to the marriage…

your spouse that is just as confused as you are…

your spouse that prays for you…

your spouse that loves you…

Here’s something they don’t tell you when you take your vows: Marriage is hard work. EVERYDAY—for the rest of your life!

Marriage requires you to protect yourself from the enemy.

Wanna know why?

The enemy loves—and I mean LOVES—to destroy families! That’s his greatest weapon! Why? BECAUSE GOD USES FAMILIES FOR HIS GLORY!!!

So, when your spouse isn’t meeting your needs…

or not looking as attractive as they use to…

or not sweeping you off your feet on a daily basis…

or just “not making me happy”…

or not meeting the expectations that you have set for them (yet failed to tell them about)…

REMEMBER: it’s you that is throwing in the towel…

it’s you that is handing over the reigns of your marriage to the enemy…

it’s you that is giving up…

it’s you, that your children will resent when they grow-up and look back at the situation…

it’s you (allowing the enemy to work through you) that will cause chaos in your family…

it’s you, not looking at your spouse through the eyes of Christ…

it’s you, disrespecting your husband…

it’s you, not loving your wife…

it’s you, not daily dying to your selfishness and your flesh…

it’s you, resenting your spouse for something that isn’t their fault…

it’s you, looking outside of your marriage for excitement and attention…

it’s you, tired of the mundane…

it’s your bad attitude…

it’s you, not happy with yourself that makes you unhappy in your marriage…

it’s you, seeking the world, not His face…

it’s you.

It’s not your spouse. It’s you.

PUT YOUR DUKES UP AND FIGHT!

Fight for your marriage!

Pray for your spouse!

Stop wallowing in “ME, ME, ME”!

When you said “I do” it stopped being about YOU!

I know that’s a hard pill to swallow, but grab yourself some water and choke it down!

Get over yourself…

it’s not about “RIGHT NOW”—it’s about the Kingdom of God!

So what if you were just a kid when you got married! Most people are!

Do you not think that God, in his infinite wisdom, knew that you would marry that person? Even if it was the wrong person? Doesn’t His Word say that “he makes all things work together for the good of those who LOVE HIM”?

Do you not love Him?

If you are contemplating separation or divorce, look at your spouse and ask yourself these two questions:

#1. Where do I see myself when my hair is gray, my kids are adults, and my grandchildren are running around? Do you see your spouse setting beside you, holding your wrinkled hand? Or, do you see that person you have been lusting after holding your hand? Take a good, hard look, at how your future will change, when you toss in the towel because you aren’t “happy”. Can you look your children in the eye and tell them that you are being selfish and due to your selfishness, the course of their entire lives will be changed–they’ll become a statistic? Can you do that?

#2. How are you going to react when your spouse finds someone else? The reality of that, if you are being honest with yourself, will be bitterness. You’ll be bitter that they are happy with someone else, or that they are a better spouse to someone else, or that the new spouse is better looking than you, or that they are a better parent than you. Keep it real—you’ll be hateful and bitter…even if you are good at faking not being that way. It’ll affect you. And then you know what you will do? You’ll wish you would have stopped being selfish. You’ll wish your kids didn’t have to go to two houses for Christmas, or be tossed around every other weekend. You’ll remember your past married life and think “it wasn’t really that bad, we could have made it work”. You’ll think of all the “what might have beens if I hadn’t of been”…

So…

Get your head out of your hind-end!

Lift it up, to where your help comes from!

Call upon Him! He will answer!

It’s gonna be a fight! I promise you!

But, it’s a fight that you can win! I promise you that too!